Troubled Reflection
Broken little girl,
Storm-cloud covered eyes,
Brave, yet not enough,
Nobody’s seen her cry.
Reflecting in the glass,
A face, not a bit confused,
Showing a clear knowing
Of how it feels to be misused.
***All comments are welcome and greatly appreciated, but I'd really like it if someone could help me out with punctuation. Thanks. ***
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
i love this poem!
i think the punctuation is all right, and i like it like that, full of mystique.
i agree woth CK Lynn, that you should describe the girl more, but still make it mysterious.
Goog Job,
i'm not sure if i'm interpereting this right but it sounds really sad. you should make a 'part two'
lol
I'd like it to be longer. Discribe the little girl more. What does she look like? Is she alone? Part of a cruel family? Tell more, but take care not to loose the mysteriousness.
I understand what you were trying to imply in this poem but the rhythm and wording just didn't work for me. First off, with the "eyes" and "cry" rhyme, well with one plural and one not, the rhyme just isn't going to happen. The last line was too long and somehow the beat falls out as you read through the poem. While some of the description and idea was interesting, other parts of it just seemed out of place and too simple and general. But it'll come to you. Just keep writing!
I must admit I am surprised and extremely delighted to have so much positive feedback from almost everyone. Thanks for the reviews. I agree that there could be more to it, but nothing seemed to work for me. I'll keep working at it.
I have to say, I have become a fan of this pome. I like how it rhymes, but - unlike most rhyming poerty - it has quite a dark meaning, one that perhaps shows that the little girl is not as innocent as she seems, and bottles up her emotions.
I think you should maybe make it a couple of verses longer, maybe add a little more information for the reader?
Other than that. keep writing ^^
hazel_eyes,
Punctuating this (unless done with a shredder) is a waste of time. The solution: get a new sheet of paper.
As opposed to weak descriptions of personality and vague colorbook mock-ups of what it means to feel misused, take your readers there: let them feel the sting of sharp words, the knifed silence of a suckerpunch. You can do better if you put your head to it.
Best,
Brad
This is very good, but I'd make line six a syllably shorter to help with the flow, and maybe change line three to "Her bravery is not enough." I love "Storm-cloud covered eyes", and the internal rhyme of the second last line is excellent. I really enjoyed the ending, it flowed beautifully.
Beautiful. This might just be my favourite poem. Please write more stanzas! I adore the rhythm and language!
Keep writing!
Charlotte
Both stanzas on there own were very good but they just didn't seem to fit together as a poem.
I think you need to make them flow together a bit more but apart from that I can't see anything else that needs improving or changed.
I quite liked the mysterious air to the poem.
(:
Wow... I don't read alot of peotry but I really liked this. Uh, as far as I could tell the puncuation was fine... It was a little bit mysterious which was good but also based in reality. (If that makes any sense) Tell me if you post more!
~Pol~